Disputes, conflicts and arguments seem like something that are unavoidable in life. We grow and learn from such situations if there is any consolation to be had from experiencing such unpleasant events.
There is this particularly unhappy incident that I had to experience which took place almost four years ago. The people involved are myself and Miss Y, a JC classmate with whom I used to be pretty close to. She became my “matchmaker” when she introduced my girlfriend to me, who was from the same faculty from Miss Y. We were deeply grateful to Miss Y for that and had thanked her face-to-face.
My girlfriend and I became an item just before a birthday chalet that Miss Y had organized for herself. Naturally, my girlfriend being my first girlfriend, and me being my girlfriend’s first, we were pretty affectionate at the chalet. By affectionate, I mean hugging, holding hands and whispering sweet nothings. Nothing that could not be published on these pages was done.
That night, while playing pool, Miss Y seemed very unhappy and was indeed unhappy as I found out soon. She loudly commented that my girlfriend and I were an eyesore with our actions and claimed that we did not thank her for bringing us together. I got pretty unhappy as it was not as if she did not perform such actions with her boyfriend, who is our common friend. I also explained that we had thanked her already. When my girlfriend and I were about to leave, we bid goodbye to Miss Y. Instead of reciprocating, she asked us to just “go go go and get lost.” I was really hot at that moment. I had a minor quarrel with Miss Y as a result.
From that moment on, Miss Y and I no longer communicated and she hardly does so with my girlfriend too. She does not reply to my messages even when I wish her happy birthday or offer her apologies. I really did not know what I have done wrongly. Her mood just suddenly changed that day. Could it be when she claimed we did not thank her, it was because she expected a different method of thanking her?
I hope someone can offer some possible suggestions to resolve this conflict or provide me with some inkling of what I could have done wrong?
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I personally think that you might have read too much into Miss Y's comment. I usually tease my my friends who are couples to "SHOOO.. go away" due to how sweet they are behaving. The eye-sore comments are also rather common.
ReplyDeleteMiss Y might have felt that the both of you were dating at her chalet, instead of being there for her birthday. Perhaps it was the quarrel at the end of it. After all, it was her birthday chalet. Ending it with a quarrel with friends is not exactly a happy ending for a birthday.
Buy her a meal together with your girlfriend. Have a nice little talk and it should be sorted out. Get her boyfriend to come along if that helps. Do take note of you actions with your girlfriend during the meal though.
-Chee Siang
Haha Chee Siang I can vouch that her attitude when she said the "shoo" was nowhere near friendly and she certainly was not teasing me.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI feel that Miss Y could have felt "left out" at her own birthday party, in which she was supposed to be the female lead of the day.
From my opinion, faculty mates of Miss Y and your girlfriend could be curious about the new relationship of yours. At the same time, ex-classmates of Miss Y and yours might have appeared interested too.
Being the lead, she could have felt unimportant at the chalet when you and your girlfriend appeared to be "in your own world". Thus, she gave the comment about being an eyesore.
You could have constantly spoke to the birthday girl and offer some praises to her birthday party e.g. delicious food and great outfit. It could have made her feel that you appreciate her party and acknowledge her presence.
During the pool game, it might be the tone of the people who asked her about her unhappiness that made her spoke such harsh words. Some light-hearted conversation topics (e.g. our friend is certainly showing off his hot butt on the pool table :p) could have been carried out before asking about the reasons for her to be unhappy. They could calm her down and avoid unnecessary clashes.
Get her a card for her next birthday or Christmas! Do casually mention something like, "We haven't had a gathering in a while, let's organize one!", "Thanks for being such a good friend. I still appreciate the effort you made in introducing my girlfriend to me!". If you guys are really going to have an outing, do state how thankful you are again. Maybe a thank-you card will help her remember that you have already thanked her.
Hi Ken Jie,
ReplyDeleteYour heartfelt story tugs on my emotional strings. It is really sad when strong friendships are broken.
I suppose you picked up on the non-verbal signals which reinforced her spoken message, which is why you are certain that she did not say those harsh words in jest. What I would like to know is if you have ever directly asked Miss Y what exactly was troubling her? Assuming that she is willing to talk about it openly, you can get to the heart of the matter and resolve the misunderstanding.
But we should all recognise that communication is a two way street. If you make all the effort, yet she does not meet you halfway and be frank about her thoughts and feelings, this cold war will never be resolved.
In addition, I would like to gently point out that some of the edits that I helped you make were unfortunately left out. For example, "There is this particularly unhappy incident that I had to experience. The incident which took place almost four years ago." can be brought across more concisely by combining the two sentences. In the future, if you don't understand the rationale behind my edits, please feel free to ask me about it. I will be glad to (try my best to) explain. =)
This is an interesting story, Kenjie, and like your other readers, I sympathize. You describe the context and characters involved quite well. (I too am shocked by the reaction of Ms. Y.), and you inspire lots of good feedback. Thanks for the post!
ReplyDelete